Thursday, October 9, 2008

Emotional Much ?

Mood : Emo

So yesterday my class got back our English Paper 1 . My marks were .. satisfactory I suppose , and I got a nice comment from Puan Chan . I barely had time to start reading my Section B essay because Ijmal asked for it , so I gave it to him . In return , I went around class asking for essays which weren't being read (everybody was reading everybody's essay) , and I read a fair few which impressed me .

About my essay , when I was writing it , I decided that no eyes be laid upon it besides me and Puan Chan due to personal reasons . But it totally slipped from my mind when Ijmal asked to read it .

Ijmal : Kak nise , can I read your essay ?
Denise : Nah (passes essay paper to him)
Ijmal : Thanks .

One minute later .

Ijmal : Why does this story seem so .. familiar ?
Denise : Er , 'cause it is ?
Ijmal : (says to Amirul because he was reading as well) Told you !
Denise : Shhhhh ! Keep it to yourselves .

When Ijmal and Amirul were done reading it , they passed it back to me and Ijmal (ehem) shed a tear or two apparently . The next thing I knew , Ann wanted to read it , and so did Shyuan , Yi Zhong , Elyna and some others which I cannot recall thanks to it being passed around . Practically everyone who read it knew who I was referring to in the essay . Some people didn't even give me a response .

Yi Zhong : I know how you feel .
Denise : You do ?
Yi Zhong : Yeah lah , I know who you're talking about in the essay ma .
Denise : Kinda obvious , huh ?
Yi Zhong : Yeah .

Other parts of the conversation with Yi Zhong are meant to be kept private .

Elyna : I really like your story . And er .. I think it's about ... (mouths a name)
Denise : Yeah , it's about that person .

I cut out some parts of the conversation to avoid confrontation from some parties .

The next thing I knew , the person I wrote about asked for my essay . I hesitated , but let her read it anyway . What harm would it do right ? While I was reading Ijmal's essay , she came up to me and said it was a nice story . I don't know if I was being paranoid but I thought I saw sadness in her eyes - they were kind of red . But I think I was just exaggerating . Maybe she was just sleepy or tired or something . I denied the fact that it was nice and stated that another friend's one was nicer - just to be humble . She , however , told me that she thought it was utterly boring . I agreed (lol) .

At that moment , I felt like breaking down . But I held back those tears teasing my eyes , wanting to gush out . It felt kind of awkward sitting opposite my best friend , or should I say , ex-best friend after not really talking for a long time . I was really tensed up and dared not look up much .

When I went home , I read my essay . I forgot to mention that after writing the essay , I had no time to go through it . I just had to start on my Section A essay because I was running out of time . I started to cry after reading the second paragraph .


One year and three months ago , I lost my best friend . At that moment , when we totally broke off all means of contacting each other , I felt vastly disappointed with her . And she , me . Now , when I think about what happened last year , I feel so brokenhearted at the fact that our friendship broke all because of a fucked up misunderstanding which did not even involve me or her .

I miss her . I miss the times when we hung out and laughed like maniacs in class for three years . The times when we debate on which football player is hotter and which Japanese Rock artiste is to die for . She was part of my life and losing her made me realise that a part of my heart was taken away . We went through a lot . Whatwith her parents not liking me , saying that I'm no good at my studies and being a bad influence to her . Yet , she disagreed with them and stayed true to me as a best friend . It is pathetic that , although we sit in the same class , I can't even strike up a nice conversation with her . All we do is smile at each other or utter a simple 'Hi' and 'Bye' .

Every night for two months , I have been thinking about how our relationship fell to pieces and the effects it had on me . I am hesitant to talk to her because I am afraid that she would act coldly towards me after what happened last year . It is so heart-wrenching to even think about what her response would be to me if I told her that I miss having her as a friend .

Let's face it , she was the best friend I've ever had , and to be honest , nobody can replace her .

Yes , as a matter of fact , I think I should .

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