Saturday, July 24, 2010


Listening to: Duhhhhhhhh. Nothing.

Damnit, I don't know why every time I hear you call me by that name I soften and feel all queasy and shit. Why does it have to be now? Why? Why did you have to do what you did to me? Again.

Define me. Define Denise. I would say.. smudged eyeliner. Almost everyone I know tells me that my eyeliner is smudged and why don't you get waterproof eyeliner? I don't want to. I like my smudgy eyeliner. It's me. It's what makes me, me.

Doubting myself has always been an issue. I wonder why people tell me I've got plenty of skills when I myself know I've got none. Probably one or two common ones but that's about it. I can't see myself doing anything successful in the future.

Delirious. A feeling I have not felt in such a long time. Right now nothing much makes me feel thrilled, or, delirious. Everyday I go thru the same ol' same ol'. I wonder how much more of this I can take.

Don't need to ask about what you want. I don't even know what I want. Actually I do know what I want. I'm just too selfish to let myself have what I want.

Okay time to harvest my crops on Farmville. Goodbye.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I Looked Into Your Eyes.

Listening to: Please Don't Go by CL and Minzy (2NE1)

Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Please?

I have this fear of quiet people. I try to strike up a conversation but get no response. Making me feel stupid. Stoooopid. Not only because I feel stupid. But also because I've had bad experiences with quiet people. When people are quieter than usual, I start feeling uneasy. Up till now, I still fear quiet people. It's a fear that I fear I would not be able to overcome.

For the first time in like.. forever? I finally talked to someone who.. talked almost the whole night, and I felt a gush of relief. Finally, someone who talks. Obviously he gave me a chance to talk too, but I prefered to listen to him talk. Since I rarely come across people who talk a lot. Besides, a lot of the things he said made sense and were indeed wise.

SO TALK TO ME. I am attracted to people who talk. Not too much. But, you know, just enough.

PS: Why did I tell myself that it wouldn't happen? Now I am in a state of confusion I find quite tough to overcome.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying?

Listening to: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

Becoming someone cold-hearted was never my intention. I hate being this way, feeling this way. It hurts the people around me too. Having a heart of stone, I thought, was a good thing. But it turns out that to some extent, it isn't. Obviously it isn't, dammit.

All the anger, sadness, and frustration balled up inside me. Not being able to confide in anyone, it hurts.

I am worried that my friends will judge me for the decisions I make, the things I tell them. I barely have any good ones left. Where did you guys go to? No, seriously. None of you take me seriously. Seriously.

All I can do to release a partial amount of my feelings is through blogging. But it only helps so much.

Frankly speaking, I am not someone who has constant mood swings. As a matter of fact, I barely even have mood swings. But as of late, my emotions have been running wild and turning my life upside down.

I doubt anybody notices that I am, after all, not a very happy person in the flesh. I have this tendency to hide everything by talking a lot. I guess some people get annoyed, I'm sorry.

But I love it when people talk to me. I love seeing people's facial expressions and their focus on the conversation. It impresses me. It makes me smile, outside and inside. So talk to me more often, you're doing me a huge favor, I guarantee you.

Sometimes I wonder, am I a fake? Am I not being myself in front of everyone? Sometimes it's better that way. That way, I am not seeking attention. People don't come asking me what's wrong. But it doesn't matter, everybody sees my emo remarks on Facebook or here anyway.

Can you see the pain in my eyes every time you talk to me? I hope you can't. I want to be someone who is happy, inside and out. But for now, I'll just stick to being happy on the outside.

I want to smile at you and let you know I am fine, that everything is okay, and is going to be okay. I want to laugh. Laugh and just forget about all my worries. Just for that split-second.

I'll just look at Torres. He makes me happy.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I'm Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired.

Listening to: Jajauma Hime by Kagrra,

Sleepless nights.. Sleepless nights. Why do you torture me so? Why, brain, WHY?! I thought I would be able to get proper sleep tonight. I reached home before midnight and had nothing else to worry about. Group Dynamics - done. Or so I thought.

I'm not much of a thinker. Hence, my stupidity. Hence, all the mistakes I've made. Hence, me being me. But lately I've been thinking. A lot. One thought brings me on to another, and another, and another.. You get the point. I always think about having fun, fun, and more fun. But you, me, and the whole damn world knows that life doesn't work that way.

Basically, I have screwed up my life upsidedowninsideout from all angles possible. My relationships. My studies. My finances. My priorities. Whatever it is, you name it.

Again, I am thinking. Right now. At this very moment. Should I turn everything around? Or at least try to? If I do, I won't be me anymore. But I can't do a hundred and one things all at once. I can't be the person everyone wants me to become. I can't fucking please everyone.

I am selfish. I've been told. I am. I know. What I'm doing now.. What I am doing now isn't making any sense. Not to anybody. Not to myself. I don't even know whether I need time alone. Or whether I need to get my mind off everything and just go to sleep - which is obviously out of the question.

To lighten up my dreary mood a lil', Spain won the World Cup 2010 for the very first time! I know everybody knows this already, but I don't care. I am still proud of them and happy for them! Denise has been supporting you guys since Day 1 and didn't back down no matter what all those assholes out there said about Espanol. It was all worth it! Torres, Casillas, Villa, Iniesta, Fabregas Puyol, Ramos, Alonso, Xavi, Pique, Capdevilla, Pedro, Llorente. Viva Espana.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

If I Leave You Tomorrow.

Listening to: I Can Wait Forever by Simple Plan

Not everyone is as lucky as I am.

To have friends who love you for who you are and not who they want you to be.

To have friends whom you can cuss and swear at and they respond by showing you the middle finger.

To have friends who are dead afraid of heights but still accompany you on a crazy-ass theme-park ride.

To have friends who will stand by you no matter what happens.

Love you guys.