Friday, May 30, 2008

'Cause You'll Always Be My Baby :)

I'm starting to get irritated with the small font , please forgive me people , for the small font before this . Anyway , about my title for today , it has nothing to do whatsoever with what I'm going to post . It's just that I love this song . David Cook makes tit sound so emo-ish ! Guh .. Listen to my blog song ... AHHHHHHH ! Sorry , I'm just so in love with the song at the moment :') It touched me . I wanna credit Shyuan and Marc for assisting me :)

I have something to tell you guys . Er .. I got back together with Fayadh . Why ? Don't ask , I don't wanna go deep in detail :) Well , a teeny bit won't hurt right ? He asked me to get back together with him , I know some of you would get really mad and stuff but hey , gimme some time kay ? This is what I tell my girlfriends who can't get over their boyfriend slash ex-boyfriend , "If we can't make you learn your lesson , you'll have to learn it the hard way" . Which is .. by letting her do whatever she wants until she sees the guy's true colours , which is what I just told myself . I have to learn things the hard way . That's just how I am , sad to say :( Sooo yeah , enough about my love life (which is kinda short this time) , about today . Actually nothing much happened today . I woke up early in the morning to attend Accounts class in school . After class I went to SMC for a while with Yi Zhong to see Fayadh . So yeah we hung around for a while and then left for my house (me and Yi Zhong) .

After that all that happened was just total boredom . So we'll just skip that shall we ? Hence , we move on to what annoyed me a lot today . Someone whose name I shall not mention . Reasons : 1) I consider him my brother . 2) He's a good friend of mine . 3) I've known him for , let's see , almost six years . So about this guy , he's been pushing my buttons since I started quarreling with Fayadh the past month . He's been really close to Fayadh lately and he's been saying stuff about me which makes me so pissed at him . Now I know why he has no friends . I won't say what they did today , but frankly speaking , I was jealous . So jealous I just felt like exploding . GAHHHH ! I can't believe this , I trusted this A-hole but he could betray me like OMFGCCB . ahh , the agony . hidup ini menyeksakan , hanya orang yang kau sayang lah yang kau boleh percayai . Righhhht .

By the way , I wanna wish my younger brother a very happy birthday ! You're fifteen and gonna sit for PMR soon ! Study hard and wishing you all the best (especially in getting that girl) .

Saturday, May 24, 2008

a very much confused me

I don't want to love him anymore , but I know it is gonna take a long time for me to get over it . I just don't know how . Everytime I think about the things he has done to me , anger builds up in me . Yet , when I think about what we had then , my heart aches . I miss him . It just breaks my heart every time someone mentions his name or I see him somewhere whether it be he's talking to me or otherwise . I don't want to have anything to do with him , I don't want him to sms me , I don't want him to talk to me , I don't want him to chat with me . Yet , I want it as much as I don't !

Him sms-ing me or talking to me gives me a sense of reassurance . I feel much more better when he talks to me . When he doesn't sms me , I feel really down and upset . To all my friends , I know you guys are getting kinda fed-up with how I'm reacting towards this situation but I hope you guys understand that I need some time . I will get over him eventually , just not now . My fever is not as bad as last night , so I'm kinda fine although I still have it . Don't worry aight , I know how to take care of myself . I hope .

Friday, May 23, 2008

down with fever

I'm down with fucking fever . Hopefully I would be back on track by Monday because I have to attend Pn. Siva's extra Principle of Accounts class and my trip out with my girls . I have no idea how I came down with fever , its just torture . Typing this is really hard for me too . Ahh , the agony ! I think it all started from last night when I was on my MySpace chatting , I usually sit at the PC for many hours and never get tired out but I don't know why yesterday I was . I barely sat there for 3 hours and my body started aching really badly . I went up at about 12.30 midnight and laid down on my bed . I wasn't sleepy though , just a bit tired . While sms-ing Fayadh , I fell asleep .

The next day (which is today) , I woke up with a sore and aching body . It ached so bad I considered not going to school . But I did eventually , 'cause Ann was performing and I had to go and support her ! So yeah , I headed off to school with Yi Zhong and I actually felt better at the time . I talked to Myira and Farah about my situation during assembly and it made me feel much better , emotionally and physically . After the assembly it was recess and we headed off to the canteen . Yes , the canteen . A place I try to avoid as much as possible during recess because of the swarming crowd and gigantic bumblebees hovering above everybody's heads . Sad to say , I followed my friends there because I didn't want to be alone at the moment . I seriously had to get my mind off things for a while and I just wanted to have fun with them . But this time , the afternoon session was around and the canteen was freakin' crowded . I didn't eat , but instead was debating with David Cook fans about how David Archuleta should win instead . We were screaming away in the canteen , not giving a shit about what others thought about us . A prefect (Laviniya) was actually laughing at us , humoured I guess , at our crazy antics :)

We ( me , pav , sofia , qis , myira , farah , and yi zhong) were still on about American Idol even on the way out of the canteen . The debate continued until we reached the pondok . That's when Fayadh came over and shut my eyes from behind . At first I thought it was Yi Zhong , but I recognize the smell of his perfume . "Fayadh", I said . He didn't hear me . He thought I didn't say anything but I said his name . We talked for a while , but the way Yi Zhong looked at him , with such disgust . I felt uncomfortable . After our short chat , Yi Zhong dragged me over to Kevin and talk about stuff . I don't know how Fayadh felt but I felt a bit miserable at that moment . That was when my head started throbbing . I walked over to the koperasi to buy a drink , proceeding to the same pondok . Yi Zhong asked me to sit down but I declined the offer , I felt like standing . Soon after , my head started throbbing and I felt like as if I was gonna faint any moment . So I decided to sit . Mun Choong appeared outta nowhere and sat down beside me . It has been a long time since I actually had a real conversation with him . But the throbbing in my head was making things worse , I wasn't really able to talk .

10 AM , the prefects chased us away from the pondok , instructing us to sit at the hall , But , the hall was full of the afternoon session kids and I had no place to sit . As soon as I heard the noise coming from the direction of the hall , the throbbing in my head worsened . Unable to take the pain , I leaned against a nearby pillar and shut my eyes . The noise was terrible and it made my head feel much more painful . Yi Zhong walked off for a moment to do something - I could not remember what . She appeared in front of me after quite a long time and we walked off to the back of the stage 'cause we spotted Ann . We talked to Ann for a while and Halim saw me losing stability and about to fall . He offered his seat to me :) Ann has such a sweet boyfriend , it hurts to see that a guy can be so nice , sweet and faithful to her . Something I did not expect from him . Guess I was wrong . I sat down yet I still felt dizzy . It was so damn friggin' uncomfortable goddammit ! All of a sudden Pn. Chan appeared , she was wearing lipstick ! Haha . I wished her Happy Teacher's Day . She smiled and asked me what happened the other day , I just kept quiet . I was on the verge of breaking down and crying all over again . But I controlled myself . "He's not worth your tears . Once you grow up you would realize that he wasn't worth anything ," she said . I forced a teary smile , I love that teacher :) Not long after that , it was Ann's turn to perform . I was sitting in between Yi Zhong and Arief (gawd he's funny) . I still felt dizzy and my body started getting hot , as in heating up .

After Ann's awesome performance , I wanted to run to her and give her a hug . But I couldn't move from my seat . My legs barely had the energy to support my body , so I remained seated feeling bad that I couldn't go over and hug her :( She came over and asked me about her singing , I ensured her that it was amazing . After a few performances , "Nise , Mira is here ," said Ijmal . I turned around and looked at him , saying that I do not give a shit . Amir disappeared suddenly and Ijmal tagged along . He came back , telling me something that made me feel worse than I could ever have felt then (I do not want to reveal it) . He pointed them out to me , I couldn't see . Then I finally stood up , searching for the both of them . I spotted them , and with a sunken heart , I sat back down . My mood was not in a good condition . I felt sad and mad . Annoyed at the fact that someone planned this all along and made me suffer the shit I had to go through . My eyes were burning , not because I was sad , because I was sick . I can't help looking in their direction every now and then , until it came to a point where I could not take the shit anymore and I left .

I headed for the small gate . I just wanted to sit somewhere which was not under the sun and where I could not see the both of them . too fat , azrul , and nadzirah were there . They talked to me . I talked back , voicing out my anger and misery regarding what I just saw and my current situation with my ex-boyfriend . And again , I broke down . I do not want to mention what we talked about becuase I do not want some people do get into deep shit . Later , mek , shafri , safril and heera came . mek told me to chill and I told him my side of the story . He gave me a rose :) The all of them were so nice to me , calming me down and being there for me although I'm not so close to them . I was crying , I couldn't hold back my tears anymore , especially after seeing him with her . It just made me angry . I let it all out and it so happened that when I was crying he appeared , I walked off with yi zhong . Outside , I stood against the school walls still in tears . yi zhong was hugging me . Soon after , pav ,sofi , prashant , ann , halim and su kim appeared . The all of them assured me that he was a jerk . Heh . They wanted me to go home and freshen up a bit before going for Accounts . But i didn't want to , I wanted to go to SMC and just sit there .

When we were at SMC , yi zhong left for a moment . That was when Fayadh appeared . I didn't notice because my face was against the table . I was feeling so freakin' uncomfortable . He sat beside me and asked me why did I cry . I just said I was feeling unwell . When yi zhong appeared again , he left . For almost two hours , I sat at SMC with my face against the table , unable to talk a lot . My head was throbbing real bad and my body was on fire . I was like breathing out fire , my breath was so hot . I thought I had fever , but I assured myself that it wasn't what I thought it was . At 1.45 PM , I left SMC and went back home . I ate a bit because my mother forced me to . I didn't have the appetite for 2 days already . I didn't eat . We went to school for our extra class and everybody was falling asleep . We were just so tired and exhausted . My head was still throbbing and my fever was getting worse . We left school at 4.45 and I went home . I tried to sleep but I couldn't because i felt dizzy and my head was still throbbing ! My brother and sister touched my arm , forehead and neck . They screamed at me and told me to go and rest because it was confirmed that I am down with fever . I ignored them and walked upstairs to shower . I couldn't walk properly , I was losing my stability .

In the evening we went to SMC to eat . I saw kevin and budin . sayuti and jeremy appeared later . fayadh appeared too , sitting at my table . He checked my phone . I was not in the mood and I felt really annoyed that he was not respecting my privacy . He got kinda pissed for some reason and went off to sit with kevin and friends . LOL . My fever was still bad , and I couldn't eat . I ate one mouth of roti telur and passed it to my brother . I then went to sleep . After my siblings were done with their dinner they woke me up and we went home . I approached my PC but my mum didn't allow me to use it because the radiation from the computer would make my fever worse . So I just sat on the sofa and rested . Now I'm still having fever but my mum is playing mahjong with her friends so I'm able to use my PC . Fever sucks bad .

P/S : Die ckp die syg aku . Aku rasa tidak :)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

my ex-boyfriend

Fayadh Haznol bin Fahrurrazi

I am going to be very honest about what I'm going to write about him and our current situation .
I love him . Yes dear friends of mine , surprisingly i still love him . Stupid right ? After all the shit he's done to me , I can still love a guy (I don't wanna use any impolite words) like him . I feel so stupid and useless . I should be hating him for life right now yet I don't . I should be moving on with my life , but I'm not doing so . What the fucking hell is wrong with me , can somebody tell me ? I hate myself , so damn much right now . 10 months ago , when I get depressed , I tend to cut my left arm with a blade - whether it be rusted or not it didn't matter . Why did I do this ? Then , I didn't know why myself . It just made me feel good , better . It so happened that yesterday I was reading a blogpost by Kenny Sia about depression and self abuse . What he said on that post , it is all so true . So true . Now when I think about it , cutting myself was a way of relieving myself . I felt relieved in a way that I could go to sleep peacefully and not think about the situation that I was in at the moment . Some people do it for the attention , some do it just because . I do it for a reason , a fucking goddamn reason . To relieve myself from my depression - well , at least i tried . Anyway , back to the topic .

Certain times I feel that I hate him . I hate him so badly . But actually , I don't . It's just that I'm so angry and pissed off at him that I can't control my emotions and just , explode . The things he say , it breaks my heart . The sarcasm . It shatters my heart everytime I think about all the wrongdoings he has done . I am willing to forgive him for all the shit he's done . But according to him , he can't forgive himself . He can't bear to face my friends . I don't know whether or not it is true but what I am sure of is that we're never going to get back together because , well , this is what I think : he's an egoistic , self-centered and selfish person which does not think about anybody else except for himself . Nah , I'm just kidding :) I mean , he's not that bad lah . He's just a control freak and he can't help controlling me when instead he can go and talk to other girls thinking that I'm not feeling jealous one bit . Boy are you wrong babe . The jealousy piles up slowly , only that I do not show it . I do not get jealous easily , but the fact that he gets to restrict me and I don't , I'm not satisfied goddammit .

Actually I have a lotta stuff I want to say about our problem but I can't seem to express myself anymore . I just want to be left alone in peace and allow myself to think things over . I want to try to forget about him , the guy who -in a way - destroyed my sanity for days , and its thanks to my loving friends that I saved my sanity from completely dispersing into thin air . Those people are
ann , yi zhong , shyuan , nancy , ijmal , too fat , yi wei , marc , kenx , afiq , prashant , wen cheang , zen jie , zulfah , kai and ijat . To those whose names I did not mention , I'm sorry for leaving you out , just because your name ain't here does not mean you do not mean anything to me . You guys mean so so much and I'm so grateful that I have you guys to be there and support me in whatever I do . To my loving family : Pa , I'm sorry for breaking your heart . I was stupid and wasn't thinking about what I was doing . Mummy , I'm sorry for being so disobedient once and I regret doing so much stupid shits that made your life miserable up till now . Nic and Hannah , I'm sorry for releasing all my anger on the both of you whenever I'm having mood swings , but thanks for covering up for me all the time . The both of you have never failed me :)

I love the all of you so much and I don't know where I would be standing or what I would be doing now without the all of you :')

P/S : Sorry for the small font ! It was an accident :(

the song on my MySpace

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Guess the name of the song :)

my second long-term blogspot

I shall start off with mentioning that this is my second permanent blog . I rarely blog on MySpace . I used to have a blog on Friendster and I deleted it by accident because I deleted my Friendster account too . I was sulking for quite long 'cause I loved that blog , it displayed a lotta memories I had since I was 14 till last year . I have always wanted to open another blog but I kept on procastinating and currently , I have nothing to do online so I decided to create a blogger account . To readers (if there are any) , I would try to update my blog frequently . But that depends on whether I have the time or not :)

So yeah , to get my mind off things for a sec , it's 6.14 PM right now and I'm watching , yes , American Idol ! Woohoo ! Watching D Cook and D Archuleta sing Hero by Nickelback . To be honest , this song really suits DC . He can really sing rock songs and he has celebrity qualities , whilst DA sings like an angel (he's my Angel of Music , hobaby!) and his voice is much more better than DC (like duh) . DA seriously deserves to win compared to DC (apologies to DC fans) . I am just speaking the truth ! Heh .

I actually don't have the mood to blog about what happened between me and my ex so I think I'm just gonna leave it be for the moment 'cause I wanna eat my strawberry yogurt :)