Fucking Emo Post .

Mood : Aggravated

This post consists of sensitive issues regarding certain people . I will not mention names . But each paragraph portrays different situations and people . It depends on what I feel like talking about . Each paragraph is not related to each other , except for the last one . It's like , the conclusion for this post . Initially , I wanted to blog about all the happy events that happened today . But I'm not in the mood for it right now .

You know what , I was in such an excellent mood 45 minutes ago . But now , I think I am gonna explode any minute out of aggravation . Is it so hard to leave me alone ? Is it ?! All I want to do now is stay away from you . Far far away . As far away as possible so that I won't face frustration every single day , hour , minute , second . I hate this . Hate it hate it hate it so damn fucking much . I know what I'm saying now will hurt you but I have no choice . I am going to break down any second now and I can't help it . What I feel like doing right now is walk right out of my house , and stand under the rain . The tiny drops of rain plummeting to the ground , I assume , might understand how I feel and could easily act as a disguise for my tears .

Sometimes I feel that I always mix around better with guys . Most girls tend to listen to my problems and will actually remember what I have told them . I'm not saying that it's not a good thing , it is . But when a misunderstanding forms between me and that certain girl , those problems would be brought up again and I , for one , will be the talk of the town . I hate it so bloody fucking much . What's more , she will spread it around till the whole of Kampung Kemuning knows about it . Even the kay-poh aunties . This is when all I want to do is find my guy friends like Marcus , Zheng Kai and Mun Choong to just hang out . I admire them . They can be so carefree and not care about all these petty things . Well , to them it's petty . They can take away my negative thoughts and such by making me smile and laugh .

About a week ago , I had a minor argument with my mother . I was so pissed I stormed out of the house and walked all the way to Marcus' house . Note that I left the house around 7.15 PM . I reached his house at almost 8 PM . Do note too , that I walk at a really slow pace . I entered his not-so-little abode and proceeded to just hang out with him in his room . I never did feel awkward sitting alone with another guy in his room . It depends on who the guy is also lah . On that night , I was supposed to go lepak with Kai but since I was already a few doors away from his house , I simply called him to come over to Marcus' whenever he feels like it . He appeared not long after and we just ... chilled . I almost fell asleep on Marcus' bed because it was so soft . And the interior , heavenly emo-ish . But yeah , if I was given the chance to choose between , A. hanging out in a friend's (doesn't matter if the person's a male or female) house or B. hanging out in shopping malls spending money on unnnecessary items and wasting my precious time , I would rather choose option A ten times more than option B .

I don't know why I'm feeling so depressed lately . Many probably don't know that I am such a sad person , a pessimist . The only song that can make me cry is The Man Who Can't Be Moved by The Script . It just carries so much meaning inside of the song . I can listen to that song a hundred times on repeat mode and not get bored . Am I suffering from depression ? I can't sleep every night . I keep on thinking of things which I should not even be bothered about .

Why is it when I first laid eyes on that image , my mood was dulled with immediate effect ? I am actually feeling very very hesitant about my current situation . I have never felt this hesitant in making choices . I've been thinking a lot about myself lately . I'm not even bothered about what I'm going to do when SPM ends . I just want to feel happy . But I can't . I can at times , but not all the time . I feel that I'm such a miserable person and ... I think I'm thinking too much . But after all that I have gone through , I can't take any chances . I feel so paranoid . I feel like I'm a hypocrite . I hate this .

I am so grateful that I have friends who care for me in a way that I can't describe . I'm not gonna mention names , you know who you are . Without the all of you , I don't think I would even be here right now . I love helping my friends out . Yet , I can't even put myself out of my own misery .

I miss these two in my life . Things aren't like how it used to be .

PS : Happy Tears by Sweetbox is fucking emo . Emo song . Emo emo emo . Fuck emo . But I love the song . Do ignore me .