Thursday, May 22, 2008

my ex-boyfriend

Fayadh Haznol bin Fahrurrazi

I am going to be very honest about what I'm going to write about him and our current situation .
I love him . Yes dear friends of mine , surprisingly i still love him . Stupid right ? After all the shit he's done to me , I can still love a guy (I don't wanna use any impolite words) like him . I feel so stupid and useless . I should be hating him for life right now yet I don't . I should be moving on with my life , but I'm not doing so . What the fucking hell is wrong with me , can somebody tell me ? I hate myself , so damn much right now . 10 months ago , when I get depressed , I tend to cut my left arm with a blade - whether it be rusted or not it didn't matter . Why did I do this ? Then , I didn't know why myself . It just made me feel good , better . It so happened that yesterday I was reading a blogpost by Kenny Sia about depression and self abuse . What he said on that post , it is all so true . So true . Now when I think about it , cutting myself was a way of relieving myself . I felt relieved in a way that I could go to sleep peacefully and not think about the situation that I was in at the moment . Some people do it for the attention , some do it just because . I do it for a reason , a fucking goddamn reason . To relieve myself from my depression - well , at least i tried . Anyway , back to the topic .

Certain times I feel that I hate him . I hate him so badly . But actually , I don't . It's just that I'm so angry and pissed off at him that I can't control my emotions and just , explode . The things he say , it breaks my heart . The sarcasm . It shatters my heart everytime I think about all the wrongdoings he has done . I am willing to forgive him for all the shit he's done . But according to him , he can't forgive himself . He can't bear to face my friends . I don't know whether or not it is true but what I am sure of is that we're never going to get back together because , well , this is what I think : he's an egoistic , self-centered and selfish person which does not think about anybody else except for himself . Nah , I'm just kidding :) I mean , he's not that bad lah . He's just a control freak and he can't help controlling me when instead he can go and talk to other girls thinking that I'm not feeling jealous one bit . Boy are you wrong babe . The jealousy piles up slowly , only that I do not show it . I do not get jealous easily , but the fact that he gets to restrict me and I don't , I'm not satisfied goddammit .

Actually I have a lotta stuff I want to say about our problem but I can't seem to express myself anymore . I just want to be left alone in peace and allow myself to think things over . I want to try to forget about him , the guy who -in a way - destroyed my sanity for days , and its thanks to my loving friends that I saved my sanity from completely dispersing into thin air . Those people are
ann , yi zhong , shyuan , nancy , ijmal , too fat , yi wei , marc , kenx , afiq , prashant , wen cheang , zen jie , zulfah , kai and ijat . To those whose names I did not mention , I'm sorry for leaving you out , just because your name ain't here does not mean you do not mean anything to me . You guys mean so so much and I'm so grateful that I have you guys to be there and support me in whatever I do . To my loving family : Pa , I'm sorry for breaking your heart . I was stupid and wasn't thinking about what I was doing . Mummy , I'm sorry for being so disobedient once and I regret doing so much stupid shits that made your life miserable up till now . Nic and Hannah , I'm sorry for releasing all my anger on the both of you whenever I'm having mood swings , but thanks for covering up for me all the time . The both of you have never failed me :)

I love the all of you so much and I don't know where I would be standing or what I would be doing now without the all of you :')

P/S : Sorry for the small font ! It was an accident :(

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