Friday, July 16, 2010

Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying?

Listening to: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

Becoming someone cold-hearted was never my intention. I hate being this way, feeling this way. It hurts the people around me too. Having a heart of stone, I thought, was a good thing. But it turns out that to some extent, it isn't. Obviously it isn't, dammit.

All the anger, sadness, and frustration balled up inside me. Not being able to confide in anyone, it hurts.

I am worried that my friends will judge me for the decisions I make, the things I tell them. I barely have any good ones left. Where did you guys go to? No, seriously. None of you take me seriously. Seriously.

All I can do to release a partial amount of my feelings is through blogging. But it only helps so much.

Frankly speaking, I am not someone who has constant mood swings. As a matter of fact, I barely even have mood swings. But as of late, my emotions have been running wild and turning my life upside down.

I doubt anybody notices that I am, after all, not a very happy person in the flesh. I have this tendency to hide everything by talking a lot. I guess some people get annoyed, I'm sorry.

But I love it when people talk to me. I love seeing people's facial expressions and their focus on the conversation. It impresses me. It makes me smile, outside and inside. So talk to me more often, you're doing me a huge favor, I guarantee you.

Sometimes I wonder, am I a fake? Am I not being myself in front of everyone? Sometimes it's better that way. That way, I am not seeking attention. People don't come asking me what's wrong. But it doesn't matter, everybody sees my emo remarks on Facebook or here anyway.

Can you see the pain in my eyes every time you talk to me? I hope you can't. I want to be someone who is happy, inside and out. But for now, I'll just stick to being happy on the outside.

I want to smile at you and let you know I am fine, that everything is okay, and is going to be okay. I want to laugh. Laugh and just forget about all my worries. Just for that split-second.

I'll just look at Torres. He makes me happy.


Nancy Alexandra said...

You gotta trust that other people understand how you feel. And that we're all just trying to figure our way out of the next hardship that comes our way. Being happy on the outside helps, but only momentarily.

What happens when everyone else goes home and you're left alone facing walls?

Nise, all you need to do is ask.
For a crying shoulder. Even if that will last for days, a friend wouldn't mind being there.
Sometimes even best friends don't know how to be there, they just need some direction.

We've all made mistakes, and some worse than others. No one is in any place to judge you.

Also, you got to learn to trust yourself with others and believe that whatever you have to say is not rubbish. I'd like to know how you feel. I'd like to be there and sit with you even if you're just crying. Because I never had that Nise, which is why I don't want you NOT have it. But really, the question is, are you ready to pour it all out?

I don't know a fraction of what you're going through, but I really do hope that you know I'm listening whenever you want me to.

Anonymous said...