Listening to: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie
Becoming someone cold-hearted was never my intention. I hate being this way, feeling this way. It hurts the people around me too. Having a heart of stone, I thought, was a good thing. But it turns out that to some extent, it isn't. Obviously it isn't, dammit.
All the anger, sadness, and frustration balled up inside me. Not being able to confide in anyone, it hurts.
I am worried that my friends will judge me for the decisions I make, the things I tell them. I barely have any good ones left. Where did you guys go to? No, seriously. None of you take me seriously. Seriously.
All I can do to release a partial amount of my feelings is through blogging. But it only helps so much.
Frankly speaking, I am not someone who has constant mood swings. As a matter of fact, I barely even have mood swings. But as of late, my emotions have been running wild and turning my life upside down.
I doubt anybody notices that I am, after all, not a very happy person in the flesh. I have this tendency to hide everything by talking a lot. I guess some people get annoyed, I'm sorry.
But I love it when people talk to me. I love seeing people's facial expressions and their focus on the conversation. It impresses me. It makes me smile, outside and inside. So talk to me more often, you're doing me a huge favor, I guarantee you.
Sometimes I wonder, am I a fake? Am I not being myself in front of everyone? Sometimes it's better that way. That way, I am not seeking attention. People don't come asking me what's wrong. But it doesn't matter, everybody sees my emo remarks on Facebook or here anyway.
Can you see the pain in my eyes every time you talk to me? I hope you can't. I want to be someone who is happy, inside and out. But for now, I'll just stick to being happy on the outside.
I want to smile at you and let you know I am fine, that everything is okay, and is going to be okay. I want to laugh. Laugh and just forget about all my worries. Just for that split-second.
I'll just look at Torres. He makes me happy.