Everything About You

Never have I felt so much pain, guilt, regret and remorse. I am not one to take people for granted, especially those I love. But yesterday and the day before, I took him for granted. I cried, I begged, I apologized, I promised. I knew, oh how I knew, that even if he did forgive me, his trust towards me would never be the same again.

But he did, he did forgive me. That moment when he wiped my tears away and hugged me tight. That moment when he told me that I was forgiven. I knew. I just knew. He is the one. He is the one I want to spend my life with forever. The one I want to watch the sunset with when we're old and wrinkly. The one whose hand I am going to hold until the day I die.

i could see the sadness in his eyes. i could hear the disappointment in his voice. i could smell the hurt in his breath. his sweet breath. how could i be so, so stupid? to hurt this man who loves me more than anyone can ever love me? the one and only person who made me cry a river of joy just by saying he loves me, and will love me, forever.

I can't imagine my life without him. Not now, not ever.

Baby, I am a fool if I were to ever let you go.

I'm Made of Paper.

a most uneasy thought has been bothering me as of late. needless to say, i've got 101 things to do to get it off my mind. like always, i am never really idle. i am like a ball being tossed back and forth by two people named college and work. i'm glad i've got him by my side to ease the stress. but i always end up procrastinating, being extremely lazy, and irresponsible to some point.

the past 6 months have been heavenly. that is, until now. i've never really thought about this before. that's because i was never given the chance to. now that things are.. not as heavenly as before, a disturbing thought has been running around in my head. obviously that thought is not going to be revealed. not here at least.

i am dead tired. so tired i can sleep for days and not awaken. but work and college do not allow me to engage in days of sweet slumber. sleep is what i want right now. what i need. sleep was snatched away from me because of more important matters just now. now, i can barely empty my mind for sleep to enter it.

sometimes i am left clueless. i thought this time things would be different. then again, that's what i think almost everytime. i read something that hurt me so deeply. never during the past 6 months have i felt such pain in my heart.

because never did i expect you to say such a thing.

Tumblr.

I finally created a Tumblr account! Sadly I have got no freakin' idea how to work it. But no worries, I will find a way.. if I have the time to go meddle around with it. How difficult can it be anyway?

If you have clicked on the link, I apologize for it being totally empty. I am just too damn lazy to get started on anything for now. However I will update here once I manage to get a few things done.

Time for a Revamp.

I don't know how to start. It's been long since I have last blogged. Don't know how to start. Then again all my style of writing was never really organized. I just write down whatever is on my mind before I forget. I had this sudden urge to blog about.. something, anything. So here I am. It took me God knows how long just to think of a title for this post.

Why is it Time for a Revamp? Because it's time for my blog to be revamped. It's been the same for too long. My eyes, they burn because of how messy my blog is. Full of weird emotional rants which sometimes don't make sense to anyone. It's not meant to make sense to anyone anyway. Tee hee. Last year, I decided that I did not have the time to continue blogging. Thus, only visiting my blog when I am feeling emotionally unstable and needed to rant somewhere. In case you have not noticed, most of my recent posts were written when I needed to express my negative feelings. The only change I wanna bring is to the content of my blog I suppose. I don't want to come here just because I feel upset. I do not want this place to be a chest of unhappy memories. But I really doubt I would have the time to even post anything here even after revamping.

I've got like loads and loads of things on my mind. I just can't express them all here because of my blog being public. I'll find a way around that. I suppose I'll be blogging constantly now. Not everyday, but just enough to keep this place alive. From now on, expect my thoughts and criticisms instead of emotional rants. I would probably even become like most bloggers and blog about what I did today, where I went, what I ate, who I met, etc. Hahahahha! Nah. That'll only happen if I am bored as hell.

In case you guys haven't noticed, I have changed my boring ol' layout! Hooray! Same picture though. I'm too lazy to go look for a better picture. And yes, Torres isn't going anywhere. For now. It will seem weird without him hanging around my blog anymore. However, removing him is under consideration. Something I thought I would never ever consider. Hahah. And also, in case you haven't noticed again, I have begun this post without the "Listening to:" that I never fail to include in all of my blog posts. Like I said, revamp!

I wonder if anybody actually still comes here?

Depression Much.

Listening to: That Girl by David Choi

Why did I let it happen? Why... What the fuck was I thinking? Seriously.

I started feeling depressed since last night after foosball. This is so frustrating. I can't even write about it right now because my dad is beside me nagging my ass off. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO LET OUT AT LEAST 50% OF MY PENT-UP FEELINGS IF I CAN'T EVEN BLAB IT OUT HERE?!?!?!?

I don't know what to do. Philip Morris isn't helping one bit. Watching Family Guy isn't helping either. I don't want to spend my money drinking. I studied last night from 3 AM till 6 AM WHATTHEFUCK. I think I'll go study later.

Heck, I think I should be depressed more often so that I can study more.

And again, it all comes down to this. My friends. Every. Single. Time. This is so stupid I don't even want to talk about it. But I have to, it's eating me up inside. I don't know what to do anymore.

All I want to do now is be left alone. I just want to cry everything out. I think I will.

Listening to: Fireworks. Not by Katy Perry. But real fireworks going off outside.

Is it me or is Chinese New Year getting more and more boring as the years go by? I am stuck in Taiping for the next 3 days. I have been here since Tuesday. It's already Friday and I can already feel my skin beginning to rot. It has been exactly 80 hours since - no, Chong, not since Shen left, but since - I met with Philip Morris. I never really had the urge to meet him. Until just now when I told him I wouldn't be able to make it to Ipoh because I have to be back by midnight. It's not really his fault. I just need to see someone else I know besides my relatives because staying in this house doing nothing all day is driving me insane.

I was feeling so agitated at everything and everyone. I don't blame them. I'm the one who is down with a running nose and who is feeling exceptionally grumpy. I just need to get out of the house and see someone, talk to someone. It's only been, what, 3 days+? And I'm almost half-insane.

And so I did what I never thought I would do. Not while seeing Philip Morris was a secret to my family members. I crept outside while everyone was gambling or watching TV, hid somewhere strategic, and met up with my dear friend for a few minutes. Though I have to admit, those few minutes with him got my heart beating so fucking fast I swore if you were right next to me, you could hear it. I'm sorry, I was exaggerating. But it was beating fast, you know.

Now here I am, waiting for - OH HE'S ONLINE ALREADY. Goodbye :)

These Tears, They Burn.

Listening to: Break Even by The Script

I can only assume. I can only understand so much.

It hit me just now, right between the eyes. But,

I need to know if what I guess is going on, is correct.

This is the first time I'm shedding tears for you.

I miss this feeling, crying.

I miss actually having emotions.

I feel more human now.

Much more.

You're Welcome.

Listening to: Hosanna by Planetshakers.

Those words are still lingering in my mind. Did someone really think of me in such a way that made my heart feel all soft and squishy again? Shocked, surprised, stoned. I never thought that was what they thought of me. Somehow or other, no one has been able to make me feel appreciated. It all happened so long ago, so many years back.

Yet they could still remember.

That I, never took sides.

That I, never judged them.

That I, was the only friend they had.

Yet I..

.. I listened to those people. Those people I called friends. Those people I loved, and still do till this day.

I listened to their mockeries. I listened to their insults. I listened to their judgments.

I felt the guilt build up inside of me.

I'm sorry. I'm glad you remembered me as that person.

I'm glad I was the only friend you ever had.

Sunny Emo.

Listening to: Monster by Lady GaGa

I knew what I was getting myself into. But somehow or other I refused to back down. Why did I let myself into this mess? After all that I have been through. I guess what he said was true. It screws you back in the ass.. hard.

Why was I even afraid? Why did I hesitate?

No one's to blame except myself.