I Don't Wanna Seem So Weak

So I lied. I am too darn lazy to update my blog. But I'll try (I know you're doubting me right now).

I feel like supergirl. Being able to survive 15+ hours with only 3 hours of sleep is common when you're me. Thanks to these thoughts bothering me again. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe.. But what if all these thoughts turn out to be real? The reality that I fear would take over this fantasy I'm living in, will it ever take over my nearly-perfect fantasy?


I wonder. Wonder. And wonder. I wonder about so much.

Maybe I ask for too much. I try not to care, yet I'm so afraid.

Everything About You

Never have I felt so much pain, guilt, regret and remorse. I am not one to take people for granted, especially those I love. But yesterday and the day before, I took him for granted. I cried, I begged, I apologized, I promised. I knew, oh how I knew, that even if he did forgive me, his trust towards me would never be the same again.

But he did, he did forgive me. That moment when he wiped my tears away and hugged me tight. That moment when he told me that I was forgiven. I knew. I just knew. He is the one. He is the one I want to spend my life with forever. The one I want to watch the sunset with when we're old and wrinkly. The one whose hand I am going to hold until the day I die.

i could see the sadness in his eyes. i could hear the disappointment in his voice. i could smell the hurt in his breath. his sweet breath. how could i be so, so stupid? to hurt this man who loves me more than anyone can ever love me? the one and only person who made me cry a river of joy just by saying he loves me, and will love me, forever.

I can't imagine my life without him. Not now, not ever.

Baby, I am a fool if I were to ever let you go.

I'm Made of Paper.

a most uneasy thought has been bothering me as of late. needless to say, i've got 101 things to do to get it off my mind. like always, i am never really idle. i am like a ball being tossed back and forth by two people named college and work. i'm glad i've got him by my side to ease the stress. but i always end up procrastinating, being extremely lazy, and irresponsible to some point.

the past 6 months have been heavenly. that is, until now. i've never really thought about this before. that's because i was never given the chance to. now that things are.. not as heavenly as before, a disturbing thought has been running around in my head. obviously that thought is not going to be revealed. not here at least.

i am dead tired. so tired i can sleep for days and not awaken. but work and college do not allow me to engage in days of sweet slumber. sleep is what i want right now. what i need. sleep was snatched away from me because of more important matters just now. now, i can barely empty my mind for sleep to enter it.

sometimes i am left clueless. i thought this time things would be different. then again, that's what i think almost everytime. i read something that hurt me so deeply. never during the past 6 months have i felt such pain in my heart.

because never did i expect you to say such a thing.

Tumblr.

I finally created a Tumblr account! Sadly I have got no freakin' idea how to work it. But no worries, I will find a way.. if I have the time to go meddle around with it. How difficult can it be anyway?

If you have clicked on the link, I apologize for it being totally empty. I am just too damn lazy to get started on anything for now. However I will update here once I manage to get a few things done.

Time for a Revamp.

I don't know how to start. It's been long since I have last blogged. Don't know how to start. Then again all my style of writing was never really organized. I just write down whatever is on my mind before I forget. I had this sudden urge to blog about.. something, anything. So here I am. It took me God knows how long just to think of a title for this post.

Why is it Time for a Revamp? Because it's time for my blog to be revamped. It's been the same for too long. My eyes, they burn because of how messy my blog is. Full of weird emotional rants which sometimes don't make sense to anyone. It's not meant to make sense to anyone anyway. Tee hee. Last year, I decided that I did not have the time to continue blogging. Thus, only visiting my blog when I am feeling emotionally unstable and needed to rant somewhere. In case you have not noticed, most of my recent posts were written when I needed to express my negative feelings. The only change I wanna bring is to the content of my blog I suppose. I don't want to come here just because I feel upset. I do not want this place to be a chest of unhappy memories. But I really doubt I would have the time to even post anything here even after revamping.

I've got like loads and loads of things on my mind. I just can't express them all here because of my blog being public. I'll find a way around that. I suppose I'll be blogging constantly now. Not everyday, but just enough to keep this place alive. From now on, expect my thoughts and criticisms instead of emotional rants. I would probably even become like most bloggers and blog about what I did today, where I went, what I ate, who I met, etc. Hahahahha! Nah. That'll only happen if I am bored as hell.

In case you guys haven't noticed, I have changed my boring ol' layout! Hooray! Same picture though. I'm too lazy to go look for a better picture. And yes, Torres isn't going anywhere. For now. It will seem weird without him hanging around my blog anymore. However, removing him is under consideration. Something I thought I would never ever consider. Hahah. And also, in case you haven't noticed again, I have begun this post without the "Listening to:" that I never fail to include in all of my blog posts. Like I said, revamp!

I wonder if anybody actually still comes here?

Depression Much.

Listening to: That Girl by David Choi

Why did I let it happen? Why... What the fuck was I thinking? Seriously.

I started feeling depressed since last night after foosball. This is so frustrating. I can't even write about it right now because my dad is beside me nagging my ass off. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO LET OUT AT LEAST 50% OF MY PENT-UP FEELINGS IF I CAN'T EVEN BLAB IT OUT HERE?!?!?!?

I don't know what to do. Philip Morris isn't helping one bit. Watching Family Guy isn't helping either. I don't want to spend my money drinking. I studied last night from 3 AM till 6 AM WHATTHEFUCK. I think I'll go study later.

Heck, I think I should be depressed more often so that I can study more.

And again, it all comes down to this. My friends. Every. Single. Time. This is so stupid I don't even want to talk about it. But I have to, it's eating me up inside. I don't know what to do anymore.

All I want to do now is be left alone. I just want to cry everything out. I think I will.

Listening to: Fireworks. Not by Katy Perry. But real fireworks going off outside.

Is it me or is Chinese New Year getting more and more boring as the years go by? I am stuck in Taiping for the next 3 days. I have been here since Tuesday. It's already Friday and I can already feel my skin beginning to rot. It has been exactly 80 hours since - no, Chong, not since Shen left, but since - I met with Philip Morris. I never really had the urge to meet him. Until just now when I told him I wouldn't be able to make it to Ipoh because I have to be back by midnight. It's not really his fault. I just need to see someone else I know besides my relatives because staying in this house doing nothing all day is driving me insane.

I was feeling so agitated at everything and everyone. I don't blame them. I'm the one who is down with a running nose and who is feeling exceptionally grumpy. I just need to get out of the house and see someone, talk to someone. It's only been, what, 3 days+? And I'm almost half-insane.

And so I did what I never thought I would do. Not while seeing Philip Morris was a secret to my family members. I crept outside while everyone was gambling or watching TV, hid somewhere strategic, and met up with my dear friend for a few minutes. Though I have to admit, those few minutes with him got my heart beating so fucking fast I swore if you were right next to me, you could hear it. I'm sorry, I was exaggerating. But it was beating fast, you know.

Now here I am, waiting for - OH HE'S ONLINE ALREADY. Goodbye :)

These Tears, They Burn.

Listening to: Break Even by The Script

I can only assume. I can only understand so much.

It hit me just now, right between the eyes. But,

I need to know if what I guess is going on, is correct.

This is the first time I'm shedding tears for you.

I miss this feeling, crying.

I miss actually having emotions.

I feel more human now.

Much more.

You're Welcome.

Listening to: Hosanna by Planetshakers.

Those words are still lingering in my mind. Did someone really think of me in such a way that made my heart feel all soft and squishy again? Shocked, surprised, stoned. I never thought that was what they thought of me. Somehow or other, no one has been able to make me feel appreciated. It all happened so long ago, so many years back.

Yet they could still remember.

That I, never took sides.

That I, never judged them.

That I, was the only friend they had.

Yet I..

.. I listened to those people. Those people I called friends. Those people I loved, and still do till this day.

I listened to their mockeries. I listened to their insults. I listened to their judgments.

I felt the guilt build up inside of me.

I'm sorry. I'm glad you remembered me as that person.

I'm glad I was the only friend you ever had.

Sunny Emo.

Listening to: Monster by Lady GaGa

I knew what I was getting myself into. But somehow or other I refused to back down. Why did I let myself into this mess? After all that I have been through. I guess what he said was true. It screws you back in the ass.. hard.

Why was I even afraid? Why did I hesitate?

No one's to blame except myself.

And When She Says She Wants Somebody Else.

Listening to: Breathless by Shayne Ward

I miss my car so fucking much I'm gonna hug it once it is back. I can't go out and stone alone. I can't go out to get my necessities. I can't drive around while stoning. I can't I can't I can't. And those are the things I need to do right now.

Oh, also, think I am falling sick. Again. My throat is giving up on me. I'm not bothered to do anything about it. I have come to realize that I am anything but bothered about my well-being and health. I think everyone has come to realize that as well. Isn't it quite obvious?

I shall also stay away from Facebook for tonight as it contains a lot of posts and updates I do not want to see. I will resume Facebook-ing when I am feeling better.

I should really consider being my old self again. Nobody would know the difference.

Btw I'll change the song on my blog soon. Soon.

Time to seek refuge in my room.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLES WHO DRIVE LIKE ASSHOLES AND END UP IN CAR ACCIDENTS.

FUCK YOU.

They're Back!

Listening to: Monster by Lady GaGa

My Chemical Romance is back! Loves! I was wondering where they disappeared to after they released The Black Parade 3 years ago. Anyway Gerard Way is back. But this time..

.. his hair isn't a jet-black mop..

.. and neither is it a shiny blonde patch, but instead..

.. Way's hair is cherry-redtastic! Something different, much. It's good!

After not keeping up with the band for years ever since I attended their concert in KL, I found out that Bob Bryar, the drummer for MCR ever since 2004, has departed from the band. I am not too sure of the reasons he left though. So currently they have this substitute, Michael Pedicone, who goes on tour with them.

Their new song, Art is the Weapon, sounds so different compared to I Brought You My Bullets (2002), You Brought Me Your Love (2004), Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge and The Black Parade (2007). Their sound never really changed until The Black Parade. But judging from the song from their new album, I have a feeling there's gonna be quite a distinct change in their genre of music. I might be wrong. Art is the Weapon sounds so Kick-Ass! No?

Their album, Danger Days: The True Lives of The Fabulous Killjoys featuring their new hit, Art is the Weapon (Na Na Na) will be released on November 22, 2010. I don't know when it will be released here though. But I definitely will get my hands on it as soon as it's out (:

I love you, Gerarrrrrrrrd!

Someone Hug Me To Sleep.

Listening to: Break Even by The Script

So this is how it feels. Did the look on my face really change? Can't doubt his sharp eyes no more.

I'm hanging by a thread, the web I spin for you.

Is this payback for what I've done? Karma, I suppose. Good for me.

And I don't want the world to see me.

Don't know whether to ignore or to take notice of.

Ignorance is your new best friend.

Fuck lah I regret not buying fags. I thought I wouldn't need them. Looks like I was wrong. Again.

Also, I should try to stop relying on Philip Morris. MY new best friend.

And also, I know you people are concerned but I would appreciate it if no one asks me whether I am okay or not, etc. I will sleep it off and be okay the next day. Thank you very much, good night.

Angie's Hectic Birthday.

Listening to: Inconsolable by Backstreet Boys

We celebrated her birthday 2 days earlier at Rootz, KL. Apparently the second best night club in KL, after Zouk. It was good: the interior is amazingly classy and the DJ was Joey G! I've been to the third and fourth best clubs in KL which are Ministry of Sound and Mist. This time I managed to try out Rootz. Next would be Zouk I suppose?

We opened 6 bottles of .. Actually I don't even know what liquor I drank last night. All I did was just take the drinks. I think it was Black Label. I think.. So anyway 6 bottles of Black Label for 20 people. I was the last to go in so by the time I entered, everyone was already happily drinking. Without me. Which was very good.

This fella, I don't know what's his name, saved me from Siew Fai. Siew Fai is known for walking around making people drink a lot. He killed me before. Ass. I managed to slip away and hide beside Jovi when this fella and his friends cornered Siew Fai and made him drink. Thank you! But eventually Siew Fai almost died and I had to take care of him until he was sober. Better than me being taken care of.

Mr Sohai - Siew Fai, and Party Animal - Quek. If it were not for Joshua I think we would have to drag Zy out of the club. I was useful for once. Instead of dying, I helped the dead! Or more like semi-dead. I can't recall how many people I had to guide to the washroom last night. Vincent was one of them and he poked my eye. It hurt ):

Our man of the night, Vincent Chan. You did a good job, don't worry about whatever that happened that night after the party. Everybody appreciated what you did to make this happen. And I forgive you for poking me in the eye.

Happy Birthday Angie. Don't be such a bitch on your birthday next year. Xoxo.

PS: For more pictures, visit my Facebook profile! :D

No Emo.

Listening to: Who's That Chick by David Guetta feat. Rihanna

Swedish meatballs, John Malkovich, Heineken, and Tequila. Could my day have gotten any better? Besides the fact that I threw up in the bucket for the very first time. I never threw up in the bucket before. Never. And last night thanks to my ego (yes friend I admit I ego okay), I did it! Nothing to be proud of but whatever, I'm bored and stoning and I've no idea what to do right now besides sleep.

Altogether 4 pints of Heineken and 6 shots of tequila. But they took away the empty glasses. Why decide to drink all of a sudden? Well it was RM30 for 2 pints of Heineken at Laundry during Happy Hour (5 PM - 9 PM). By the time our movie ended, we still had half an hour until happy hour ended. So ... faham2 lah. The waiter walked up to us and offered tequila shots for RM8. I was considering it but before I could say anything KP shoo him away already. He bought the shots lah eventually. Warning: Singing emo songs in the car after having a few drinks can be extremely enjoyable.

Last night was a night I would never forget. Thanks, KP (:

Have a Break, Denise. Have a Kit-Kat.

Listening to: Your Call by Secondhand Serenade >>

I am lost in a sea of confusion. I am not playing my part, not living up to my role, not putting in any effort, not willing, and not giving.

I am obviously the worst person who has ever walked the Earth.

I Not Ego.

Listening to: Collide by Howie Day

Friday night was a fucking fucked up night. Thanks Fei, Quek and JJ.

And THANKS Siew Fai.

No More Scott Pilgrim.

Listening to: Get Down by Paul Johnson

One of the most anticipated movies on my list is officially not going to be shown in Malaysia. Thanks, Lowyat.NET. If it were not for you I would still be sitting idly waiting for it to be released here. Right now, besides Tangled, I'm not looking forward to any other movie which is "Coming Soon" to a theater near me. The Social Network seems interesting, but Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is still on the top of my list. I'll just have to get someone do download it for me.

Oh and Siew Fai wants his revenge from 2 weeks ago when he lost to me during our padang drinking session, ahha. I told him I'll be going but deep down I don't really feel like going because I've got work on Saturday. We're gonna be drinking at Grand Dorsett, Subang on Friday night. Since the place so high class, I am sure they're supplying Chivas, Black Label and XO instead of padang equivalent liquor. Which is cheap liquor. Which I had to drink a plus minus a fortnight ago. It wasn't funny.

Scott Pilgrim and drinking aside, I changed the little music video box on the top right of my blog already. Which made me realize that I have never watched the MV of Love the Way You Lie before. I always manage to only catch a glimpse of the music video coming to an end (when the house is on fire) and that's about it. Somehow or other I was mesmerized by the story - although I barely understood it. A common song very often played nowadays but enjoy (:

I Just Wanna Be Left Alone.

Listening to: For the First Time by The Script

I didn't have time to update ever since my last update because:

1. My parents are always on my PC,

2. I've been "studying" for midterms, and

3. I just lost my inspiration

Not to say I've always had much that inspired me before this.

My mood swings are destroying me, constantly making me feel like shit all the time. And what's so freaking awesome is that I am not doing anything to fight it off. If you can fight off mood swings, that is.

Now I know why I can not have a relationship. Not for now, at least. After one of my relationships, I have closed my heart, not willing to open it up again after a long time. I suppose you all will think that I am contradicting my own words because not long after one of my break-ups, I hooked up with this guy I barely knew. If I opened up myself to him, we wouldn't have broke up one month later.

I took this quiz on Facebook: What color is your heart? I got the color black. Cold and heartless, much. And I do agree. I have become so immune to everything that used to hurt me before. Right now, I do not monitor the things I say and do. Don't even bother to.

Again, I have reached a dead-end. Not knowing what to do to make things better.

I Love Black. Arthur's Day, You Know?

Listening to: Hard To Say I'm Sorry by Chicago

I went to Pyramid in hopes of achieving my goal: getting my Arthur's Day tickets. Sadly the tickets I were aiming to get (RM79) were sold out. Which means I would have to go to either Mid Valley, Lot 10, Bkt Jalil, and some other places I can't recall to get the tickets. Which is quite the troublesome for me ya. Anywho I ended up buying a black top from Forever 21, which was so not on my to do list.

I have to stop buying black-colored items before I get labeled as emo or goth. But I can't stop! This is me, ME. I love the color black and nobody can stop me from loving it! I feel so comfortable wearing black clothes. But of course I do own clothing of other colors. Except orange. I hate orange. Like the annoying orange. You know?

HEY APPLE. Fuckkkkkkkkk.