And When She Says She Wants Somebody Else.

Listening to: Breathless by Shayne Ward

I miss my car so fucking much I'm gonna hug it once it is back. I can't go out and stone alone. I can't go out to get my necessities. I can't drive around while stoning. I can't I can't I can't. And those are the things I need to do right now.

Oh, also, think I am falling sick. Again. My throat is giving up on me. I'm not bothered to do anything about it. I have come to realize that I am anything but bothered about my well-being and health. I think everyone has come to realize that as well. Isn't it quite obvious?

I shall also stay away from Facebook for tonight as it contains a lot of posts and updates I do not want to see. I will resume Facebook-ing when I am feeling better.

I should really consider being my old self again. Nobody would know the difference.

Btw I'll change the song on my blog soon. Soon.

Time to seek refuge in my room.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLES WHO DRIVE LIKE ASSHOLES AND END UP IN CAR ACCIDENTS.

FUCK YOU.

They're Back!

Listening to: Monster by Lady GaGa

My Chemical Romance is back! Loves! I was wondering where they disappeared to after they released The Black Parade 3 years ago. Anyway Gerard Way is back. But this time..

.. his hair isn't a jet-black mop..

.. and neither is it a shiny blonde patch, but instead..

.. Way's hair is cherry-redtastic! Something different, much. It's good!

After not keeping up with the band for years ever since I attended their concert in KL, I found out that Bob Bryar, the drummer for MCR ever since 2004, has departed from the band. I am not too sure of the reasons he left though. So currently they have this substitute, Michael Pedicone, who goes on tour with them.

Their new song, Art is the Weapon, sounds so different compared to I Brought You My Bullets (2002), You Brought Me Your Love (2004), Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge and The Black Parade (2007). Their sound never really changed until The Black Parade. But judging from the song from their new album, I have a feeling there's gonna be quite a distinct change in their genre of music. I might be wrong. Art is the Weapon sounds so Kick-Ass! No?

Their album, Danger Days: The True Lives of The Fabulous Killjoys featuring their new hit, Art is the Weapon (Na Na Na) will be released on November 22, 2010. I don't know when it will be released here though. But I definitely will get my hands on it as soon as it's out (:

I love you, Gerarrrrrrrrd!

Someone Hug Me To Sleep.

Listening to: Break Even by The Script

So this is how it feels. Did the look on my face really change? Can't doubt his sharp eyes no more.

I'm hanging by a thread, the web I spin for you.

Is this payback for what I've done? Karma, I suppose. Good for me.

And I don't want the world to see me.

Don't know whether to ignore or to take notice of.

Ignorance is your new best friend.

Fuck lah I regret not buying fags. I thought I wouldn't need them. Looks like I was wrong. Again.

Also, I should try to stop relying on Philip Morris. MY new best friend.

And also, I know you people are concerned but I would appreciate it if no one asks me whether I am okay or not, etc. I will sleep it off and be okay the next day. Thank you very much, good night.

Angie's Hectic Birthday.

Listening to: Inconsolable by Backstreet Boys

We celebrated her birthday 2 days earlier at Rootz, KL. Apparently the second best night club in KL, after Zouk. It was good: the interior is amazingly classy and the DJ was Joey G! I've been to the third and fourth best clubs in KL which are Ministry of Sound and Mist. This time I managed to try out Rootz. Next would be Zouk I suppose?

We opened 6 bottles of .. Actually I don't even know what liquor I drank last night. All I did was just take the drinks. I think it was Black Label. I think.. So anyway 6 bottles of Black Label for 20 people. I was the last to go in so by the time I entered, everyone was already happily drinking. Without me. Which was very good.

This fella, I don't know what's his name, saved me from Siew Fai. Siew Fai is known for walking around making people drink a lot. He killed me before. Ass. I managed to slip away and hide beside Jovi when this fella and his friends cornered Siew Fai and made him drink. Thank you! But eventually Siew Fai almost died and I had to take care of him until he was sober. Better than me being taken care of.

Mr Sohai - Siew Fai, and Party Animal - Quek. If it were not for Joshua I think we would have to drag Zy out of the club. I was useful for once. Instead of dying, I helped the dead! Or more like semi-dead. I can't recall how many people I had to guide to the washroom last night. Vincent was one of them and he poked my eye. It hurt ):

Our man of the night, Vincent Chan. You did a good job, don't worry about whatever that happened that night after the party. Everybody appreciated what you did to make this happen. And I forgive you for poking me in the eye.

Happy Birthday Angie. Don't be such a bitch on your birthday next year. Xoxo.

PS: For more pictures, visit my Facebook profile! :D

No Emo.

Listening to: Who's That Chick by David Guetta feat. Rihanna

Swedish meatballs, John Malkovich, Heineken, and Tequila. Could my day have gotten any better? Besides the fact that I threw up in the bucket for the very first time. I never threw up in the bucket before. Never. And last night thanks to my ego (yes friend I admit I ego okay), I did it! Nothing to be proud of but whatever, I'm bored and stoning and I've no idea what to do right now besides sleep.

Altogether 4 pints of Heineken and 6 shots of tequila. But they took away the empty glasses. Why decide to drink all of a sudden? Well it was RM30 for 2 pints of Heineken at Laundry during Happy Hour (5 PM - 9 PM). By the time our movie ended, we still had half an hour until happy hour ended. So ... faham2 lah. The waiter walked up to us and offered tequila shots for RM8. I was considering it but before I could say anything KP shoo him away already. He bought the shots lah eventually. Warning: Singing emo songs in the car after having a few drinks can be extremely enjoyable.

Last night was a night I would never forget. Thanks, KP (:

Have a Break, Denise. Have a Kit-Kat.

Listening to: Your Call by Secondhand Serenade >>

I am lost in a sea of confusion. I am not playing my part, not living up to my role, not putting in any effort, not willing, and not giving.

I am obviously the worst person who has ever walked the Earth.

I Not Ego.

Listening to: Collide by Howie Day

Friday night was a fucking fucked up night. Thanks Fei, Quek and JJ.

And THANKS Siew Fai.

No More Scott Pilgrim.

Listening to: Get Down by Paul Johnson

One of the most anticipated movies on my list is officially not going to be shown in Malaysia. Thanks, Lowyat.NET. If it were not for you I would still be sitting idly waiting for it to be released here. Right now, besides Tangled, I'm not looking forward to any other movie which is "Coming Soon" to a theater near me. The Social Network seems interesting, but Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is still on the top of my list. I'll just have to get someone do download it for me.

Oh and Siew Fai wants his revenge from 2 weeks ago when he lost to me during our padang drinking session, ahha. I told him I'll be going but deep down I don't really feel like going because I've got work on Saturday. We're gonna be drinking at Grand Dorsett, Subang on Friday night. Since the place so high class, I am sure they're supplying Chivas, Black Label and XO instead of padang equivalent liquor. Which is cheap liquor. Which I had to drink a plus minus a fortnight ago. It wasn't funny.

Scott Pilgrim and drinking aside, I changed the little music video box on the top right of my blog already. Which made me realize that I have never watched the MV of Love the Way You Lie before. I always manage to only catch a glimpse of the music video coming to an end (when the house is on fire) and that's about it. Somehow or other I was mesmerized by the story - although I barely understood it. A common song very often played nowadays but enjoy (:

I Just Wanna Be Left Alone.

Listening to: For the First Time by The Script

I didn't have time to update ever since my last update because:

1. My parents are always on my PC,

2. I've been "studying" for midterms, and

3. I just lost my inspiration

Not to say I've always had much that inspired me before this.

My mood swings are destroying me, constantly making me feel like shit all the time. And what's so freaking awesome is that I am not doing anything to fight it off. If you can fight off mood swings, that is.

Now I know why I can not have a relationship. Not for now, at least. After one of my relationships, I have closed my heart, not willing to open it up again after a long time. I suppose you all will think that I am contradicting my own words because not long after one of my break-ups, I hooked up with this guy I barely knew. If I opened up myself to him, we wouldn't have broke up one month later.

I took this quiz on Facebook: What color is your heart? I got the color black. Cold and heartless, much. And I do agree. I have become so immune to everything that used to hurt me before. Right now, I do not monitor the things I say and do. Don't even bother to.

Again, I have reached a dead-end. Not knowing what to do to make things better.

I Love Black. Arthur's Day, You Know?

Listening to: Hard To Say I'm Sorry by Chicago

I went to Pyramid in hopes of achieving my goal: getting my Arthur's Day tickets. Sadly the tickets I were aiming to get (RM79) were sold out. Which means I would have to go to either Mid Valley, Lot 10, Bkt Jalil, and some other places I can't recall to get the tickets. Which is quite the troublesome for me ya. Anywho I ended up buying a black top from Forever 21, which was so not on my to do list.

I have to stop buying black-colored items before I get labeled as emo or goth. But I can't stop! This is me, ME. I love the color black and nobody can stop me from loving it! I feel so comfortable wearing black clothes. But of course I do own clothing of other colors. Except orange. I hate orange. Like the annoying orange. You know?

HEY APPLE. Fuckkkkkkkkk.

You Were My Voice When I Couldn't Speak.

Listening to: Animal by Neon Trees (Such an awesome song)

I won't make promises I can't keep. Or at least promises I know I can't keep.

Why are you so sure that I love you? Actually I shouldn't even be asking you that question because I already know what the answer will be. And it all comes down to me. My actions which have been totally out of my control the past few months. Those things I did to show you that I have feelings for you, were not real. My deepest, sincerest apologies to you. All I ask from you is to leave me alone because I know what I'm gonna do next. And it'll hurt you.

I'm sure I'll receive a text message from you very soon questioning me about this. There will be nothing for me to say. All is said here.

On the other hand, I hope you don't text me asking me if I'm talking about you 'cause if you do I'm going to step on your foot when I see you.

Wanna listen to an extremely awesome song? How about the song playing right now on my blog (:

When I Tell You I Love You.

Listening to : Hey Baby (Drop It To The Floor) by Pitbull ft. T-Pain

A few nights ago I typed out a message on my phone. I was about to send it out to him, not giving a damn about what people would say or think about me. I was so fed-up, fed-up with myself and my never-ending excuses to avoid.. it. The feelings that overcame me that night are so very rare, as of late. I've just been so depressed lately, so snappy at everyone. I've been known as someone who hides their feelings perfectly. But no.. Not now.

If I sent out that message, I would regret it now. I just need more time. More time for myself to overcome my fucking mood-swings and to become a better person for you.

Reviving a Dead Blog.

Listening to: Hero/Heroine by Boys Like Girls

Dayumm I don't know when was the last time I entered my blogsite. Nothing to talk about. Actually loads to but I am just too darn lazy. Thank God I didn't go and get myself a tumblr account if not I think I would just shut down my blog.

So anyway just a short post to let you people know that I will still be updating my blog so don't leave!

Actually I think the real reason why I stopped updating was because I had nothing emo to talk about anymore. Is that good? Or bad..

A Song That Never Fails to Bring Me to Tears.

Listening to: Wonderwall by Oasis

It all comes down to this. Everything is my fault. Nobody else is to blame. Everything I am doing now, everything I have been through, everything I know I am about to face.. I am to be blamed. I already know what I will become very soon. I just don't want to prevent myself from becoming that. Don't ask me why because I don't know why.

I kena sound from my dad because of staying up late every night. I can't help it. I just keep on thinking and thinking and thinking. I am seriously considering sleeping pills. If I can afford them. Those dark eye circles are fucking killing me. And constantly having thoughts swimming around your head when you are dead tired isn't really the best feeling in the world.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to think. I don't know... if I should just fall into you.

And all the lights that lead the way are blinding.

Not My Average Blog Entry.

Listening to: Dong Jie by Lin Jun Jie

I have been surrounded by so many good looking guys recently, they're hard to resist.

I shall start with Mr Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher.

I totally forgot about him after he got married to Demi Moore. He's been like on the low down and Punk'd isn't around anymore and stuff. And all these new good looking celebs are popping up like nobody's business, so I'm sorry Ashton, 'cause I ditched you. I still love you, even though you fucked God knows how many girls in the movie Spread. That movie rekindled my love for you Hahhahaha.

Jackson Rathbone. I never really fancied him until I watched Eclipse a few days ago and The Last Airbender just now. I watched the first two installments of the Twilight Saga, only that I never really noticed him because he didn't really say much and I am not much of a vampire fan. He was always too pale. But he was alright in The Last Airbender even though he didn't say much. Again. He's a handsome young man.

Doesn't he look like a young Ethan Hawke? Or more like Ethan Hawke without the scruffiness and shit. I have not seen Josh Hartnett star in any movie in YEARS. I don't know what the hell happened to this hottie but I can't wait to see some action coming from him. I suddenly feel like watching Pearl Harbour, starring both of my fave hunks, Ben Affleck and Josh here. Anyone up for it?

I have been seeing so much of Bradley Cooper lately, his voice and smile is always playing around in my mind whenever it is blank. Valentine's Day, The Hangover, and A-Team are already added into my list of favorite movies. Thanks to Mr Cooper here. My friend showed me a preview of this TV series he starred in, Kitchen Confidential. Holy shit I need to get my hands on it. More of Bradley, YAY!

Omaigawd Peter Facinelli is so much more hotter compared to Robert Pattinson. Dude, your dad in Twilight owns your ass x 1000 hahaha. Somehow he looks like Ethan Hawke here too. Hmm.. Or maybe it's just me. He looks alright in Twilight but of course much better without the pale makeup and terrible blond hair. Damn I need to get myself a bib soon because of the excess drool leaking outta my mouth.

And last but not least, Fernando Jose Torres Sanz (I know he's not an actor but whatever, he still makes my list). No words can describe my love and loyalty to you. Since 2006 okay?

Dee.

Listening to: Duhhhhhhhh. Nothing.

Damnit, I don't know why every time I hear you call me by that name I soften and feel all queasy and shit. Why does it have to be now? Why? Why did you have to do what you did to me? Again.

Define me. Define Denise. I would say.. smudged eyeliner. Almost everyone I know tells me that my eyeliner is smudged and why don't you get waterproof eyeliner? I don't want to. I like my smudgy eyeliner. It's me. It's what makes me, me.

Doubting myself has always been an issue. I wonder why people tell me I've got plenty of skills when I myself know I've got none. Probably one or two common ones but that's about it. I can't see myself doing anything successful in the future.

Delirious. A feeling I have not felt in such a long time. Right now nothing much makes me feel thrilled, or, delirious. Everyday I go thru the same ol' same ol'. I wonder how much more of this I can take.

Don't need to ask about what you want. I don't even know what I want. Actually I do know what I want. I'm just too selfish to let myself have what I want.

Okay time to harvest my crops on Farmville. Goodbye.

I Looked Into Your Eyes.

Listening to: Please Don't Go by CL and Minzy (2NE1)

Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Please?

I have this fear of quiet people. I try to strike up a conversation but get no response. Making me feel stupid. Stoooopid. Not only because I feel stupid. But also because I've had bad experiences with quiet people. When people are quieter than usual, I start feeling uneasy. Up till now, I still fear quiet people. It's a fear that I fear I would not be able to overcome.

For the first time in like.. forever? I finally talked to someone who.. talked almost the whole night, and I felt a gush of relief. Finally, someone who talks. Obviously he gave me a chance to talk too, but I prefered to listen to him talk. Since I rarely come across people who talk a lot. Besides, a lot of the things he said made sense and were indeed wise.

SO TALK TO ME. I am attracted to people who talk. Not too much. But, you know, just enough.

PS: Why did I tell myself that it wouldn't happen? Now I am in a state of confusion I find quite tough to overcome.

Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying?

Listening to: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

Becoming someone cold-hearted was never my intention. I hate being this way, feeling this way. It hurts the people around me too. Having a heart of stone, I thought, was a good thing. But it turns out that to some extent, it isn't. Obviously it isn't, dammit.

All the anger, sadness, and frustration balled up inside me. Not being able to confide in anyone, it hurts.

I am worried that my friends will judge me for the decisions I make, the things I tell them. I barely have any good ones left. Where did you guys go to? No, seriously. None of you take me seriously. Seriously.

All I can do to release a partial amount of my feelings is through blogging. But it only helps so much.

Frankly speaking, I am not someone who has constant mood swings. As a matter of fact, I barely even have mood swings. But as of late, my emotions have been running wild and turning my life upside down.

I doubt anybody notices that I am, after all, not a very happy person in the flesh. I have this tendency to hide everything by talking a lot. I guess some people get annoyed, I'm sorry.

But I love it when people talk to me. I love seeing people's facial expressions and their focus on the conversation. It impresses me. It makes me smile, outside and inside. So talk to me more often, you're doing me a huge favor, I guarantee you.

Sometimes I wonder, am I a fake? Am I not being myself in front of everyone? Sometimes it's better that way. That way, I am not seeking attention. People don't come asking me what's wrong. But it doesn't matter, everybody sees my emo remarks on Facebook or here anyway.

Can you see the pain in my eyes every time you talk to me? I hope you can't. I want to be someone who is happy, inside and out. But for now, I'll just stick to being happy on the outside.

I want to smile at you and let you know I am fine, that everything is okay, and is going to be okay. I want to laugh. Laugh and just forget about all my worries. Just for that split-second.

I'll just look at Torres. He makes me happy.

I'm Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired.

Listening to: Jajauma Hime by Kagrra,

Sleepless nights.. Sleepless nights. Why do you torture me so? Why, brain, WHY?! I thought I would be able to get proper sleep tonight. I reached home before midnight and had nothing else to worry about. Group Dynamics - done. Or so I thought.

I'm not much of a thinker. Hence, my stupidity. Hence, all the mistakes I've made. Hence, me being me. But lately I've been thinking. A lot. One thought brings me on to another, and another, and another.. You get the point. I always think about having fun, fun, and more fun. But you, me, and the whole damn world knows that life doesn't work that way.

Basically, I have screwed up my life upsidedowninsideout from all angles possible. My relationships. My studies. My finances. My priorities. Whatever it is, you name it.

Again, I am thinking. Right now. At this very moment. Should I turn everything around? Or at least try to? If I do, I won't be me anymore. But I can't do a hundred and one things all at once. I can't be the person everyone wants me to become. I can't fucking please everyone.

I am selfish. I've been told. I am. I know. What I'm doing now.. What I am doing now isn't making any sense. Not to anybody. Not to myself. I don't even know whether I need time alone. Or whether I need to get my mind off everything and just go to sleep - which is obviously out of the question.

To lighten up my dreary mood a lil', Spain won the World Cup 2010 for the very first time! I know everybody knows this already, but I don't care. I am still proud of them and happy for them! Denise has been supporting you guys since Day 1 and didn't back down no matter what all those assholes out there said about Espanol. It was all worth it! Torres, Casillas, Villa, Iniesta, Fabregas Puyol, Ramos, Alonso, Xavi, Pique, Capdevilla, Pedro, Llorente. Viva Espana.

If I Leave You Tomorrow.

Listening to: I Can Wait Forever by Simple Plan

Not everyone is as lucky as I am.

To have friends who love you for who you are and not who they want you to be.

To have friends whom you can cuss and swear at and they respond by showing you the middle finger.

To have friends who are dead afraid of heights but still accompany you on a crazy-ass theme-park ride.


To have friends who will stand by you no matter what happens.

Love you guys.

Maybe It's Just Me.

Listening to: New World by L'arc~en~Ciel

I wish that I could get out of the house before everyone is awake and come back home once everyone is sleep.

I wish that you would just be there for me when I need you.

I wish that you would just don't pretend.

I wish that you would be that person I once knew.

I wish that I could tell you everything.

I wish that you would just call me.

I wish that you would have more time for me.

I wish that I am aware of whatever the fuck I am doing.

I wish that we were strangers again.

I wish life were that simple.

My Beloved.

Listening to: Casting Dice by Kanno Youki (Amatsuki OST)

PC aku dah pulang kepadakuuuuuuu! I missed using my PC so much. I missed the awesome music blasting from my beloved speakers. Ahhhhh the comfort I seek in thou, my PC.

Okay, that's all I'm updating about today. Good night :p

I am so hungry I wanna eat egg tarts from Canton-i! Drooooooool.